Broken Dreams

So Just now I finally decided to tell my mother of our wedding plans. I have been praying on this issue for a year now.  I wasn't supposed to share with her until The holiday but I couldn't wait any longer. It just didn't weight right on my heart. In our previous conversations we have had min discussion and sh e has asked for me to give her time. And I have. I have not pushed. I know this breaks her heart. Somehow I believed she she would be happy for me and altho not accept this same sex union but just love her. Love her 1st born and try to make me happy. Needless to say I was wrong on her change of heart. Well I knew it could go either way. I needed to know. She stated she wanted no parts in the wedding planning, no dress sizes no picking out decorations nothing. Pkay. I can handle this. I told her I would still send her and My father a save the date and a invitation, just incase they changed their mind.

With her decision at least I don't have to invite her friends now. Well not all parents accept their child's sexuality. Good thing for us my sexuality has nothing to do with our loving relationship. My mother is one of my closest friends and she has stated that she would like this to continue.  I will not ever be hold aggression towards her because of this. We have too much fun together, and when it comes to them being involved  in our child's life we will worry about that when it comes.

Dear Mother,
I love you always. I understand your position on this matter. Although I am upset that you will not be joining us on this special occasion, I know there will be other special times we share in the future.

With Love,

Your Daughter

The Deer Chronicles

And the deer are still chilling ... I feel like they are my guardians . I was once told that I am a deer spirit. What does this mean really? I even had a deer follw me yesterday, it was kinda like umm hello I'm a human go away why are you not afraid. I have had many many  interactions with deer over the years. Once a deer and I got so close that she would wait for me to come home and greet me on my front porch.  I find them quick witted. They have excellence hearing and sense of smell. they can leap and jump to great heights. As I watch them they are kind and loving to each other and they are always protecting each other.  And iIwish to be more kind and loving and innocent and attentive.

Deer Totems  << click here for more info

 Gentleness and Innocence

Deer teaches us to use the power of gentleness
to touch the hearts and minds of
wounded beings who are in our lives.

Don't push towards change in others,
rather gently nudge them in right direction
with the love that comes from a Deer totem.

When a Deer totem shows up in your life,
a new innocence and freshness in about to be awakened.
There is going to be a gentle lure of new adventures.
There will  be an opportunity to express the gentle love
that will open new doors for you.

- Luv Ladi Ankh

Marriage and mothers

My mind is kind of vile and I feel you need an heads but. I'm totally random ( always have been) and my thoughts sometimes don't make sense to me but it apart of me. so I have no shame really.  I want to share today with you the love I have for my fiance. For me it's quite worrisome to be a lesbian is a traditional African American family. Although my folks are open minded Pan Africans and history teachers, why would they want their child to be a lesbian. I have slowly introduced them to my "new" lifestyle over the years, and finally after introducing them to the most androgynous women possible, I have found the one I want to marry.   UGHHH. So this summer i decided to officially come out ( they already knew)  and have a discussion with them about my sexual preference. Which i feel is kind of not their business because its intimate but it's with a woman. I still want to have a traditional wedding  and want my mom to help me with the planning and be happy for me through it all. Well in this convo I stated that i need to her find peace that i would rather dies single than to marry a man. unless he was paying and i could never have sex with him and i had another woman to be with. ( I did  not say this, but it''s true). SIDE NOTE: there was a man i was dating and he was aiight. he wanted me but i told him only if i had a girlfriend., it worked for a while then her got jealous , sooo its wasn't a good look.

so any whoo Moms and I talked about it and basically the agreement was to still give her time and that I will marry a woman and i want her to be apart of our lives. I also mentioned that i had been dating someone for over a year and its time to bring her int the family.

okay I have never been so nervous, my family has met plenty of my partners but it wasn't all that serious so now the heat is on. The problem is I know I'm breaking my mothers heart and we( the family) have had a lot happen to us so I don't want to bring any ore pain. But seems like there is never the right time but time is wasting.

So in the meantime I went to meet my future mother in law who freaked out and made it impossible for us to greet each other.UGHHHHH. Mother's ARE SOOO DRAMATIC.  2012 was supposed to be the year we introduced our families to each other.  OH one fine point is she and I are long distance so this is even harder.  Yeah  well we have decided, screw our mothers, we are going ahead with the wedding plans. Slowly but surly. I don't want this marriage between our families to be a disaster.

Anywho I need to do something, I feel its better to be upfront and i ca't waste anymore time.

I AM YOU ARE ME

I love smarter because of you

I laugh harder because of you

I sing louder because of you

I see brighter because of you

I am wiser because of you

I AM YOU ARE ME

sometimes

I can't believe we have made it this far. To find each other randomly and then grow in love so quickly. To know each other soul even tho you know nothing about each other. To know that I will always love you no matter what. Even if we part. I pray we never part. I just want God to bless you. To order your steps. And my fear of never meeting you on person has come and gone and your embrace was like a fresh breath of winter air. And there was magic in your eyes. And all I do is think of you and cry in praise thanking the higher powers that I found you. And we are moving soo slow. And this is just what I need. Sometimes I am afraid my ambition will keep us apart and we will ever be together. But for almost a year now we have been together loving, smiling, laughing, praying, and we grow stronger. Sometimes I think a love this deep will cause destruction. Honestly I m am grateful for your everything. I should be working but I can;t. I love you too much to concentrate on anything not directly related to you. You know just how to handle me. You are so kind and thoughtful and you get me without me feeling insecure about my random crazy thought or lame jokes. I hope I am making you happy. I hope you are proud. I am still growing. Sometimes I just think of you. I think of the times we first made love. lol. I think of rolling over and seeing you greet me with a smile. I think of the times when i wanted to never call you r see you again but the thought of not going next to sleep with you is never worth it. Sometimes to call my name in your sleep. and I cry. Sometimes you inspire me to love harder. and I cry. Just know that i will love you always if you would like me to. And no one wanted us to win. They still hope we fail. Its like the more they hate the more we grow. And sometimes my insides smile at the thought of your locks falling in you face. And Sometimes I cry when I'm working on a project and you help me find clarity. You are divine. I don't care what you say. Your like the Holy grail which i discovered. And sometimes I can't believe you love me so deeply..............

The Downrock Records.: The Other Guys - Revenge of The Geeks.

The Downrock Records.: The Other Guys - Revenge of The Geeks.