The Deer Chronicles

And the deer are still chilling ... I feel like they are my guardians . I was once told that I am a deer spirit. What does this mean really? I even had a deer follw me yesterday, it was kinda like umm hello I'm a human go away why are you not afraid. I have had many many  interactions with deer over the years. Once a deer and I got so close that she would wait for me to come home and greet me on my front porch.  I find them quick witted. They have excellence hearing and sense of smell. they can leap and jump to great heights. As I watch them they are kind and loving to each other and they are always protecting each other.  And iIwish to be more kind and loving and innocent and attentive.

Deer Totems  << click here for more info

 Gentleness and Innocence

Deer teaches us to use the power of gentleness
to touch the hearts and minds of
wounded beings who are in our lives.

Don't push towards change in others,
rather gently nudge them in right direction
with the love that comes from a Deer totem.

When a Deer totem shows up in your life,
a new innocence and freshness in about to be awakened.
There is going to be a gentle lure of new adventures.
There will  be an opportunity to express the gentle love
that will open new doors for you.

- Luv Ladi Ankh

Marriage and mothers

My mind is kind of vile and I feel you need an heads but. I'm totally random ( always have been) and my thoughts sometimes don't make sense to me but it apart of me. so I have no shame really.  I want to share today with you the love I have for my fiance. For me it's quite worrisome to be a lesbian is a traditional African American family. Although my folks are open minded Pan Africans and history teachers, why would they want their child to be a lesbian. I have slowly introduced them to my "new" lifestyle over the years, and finally after introducing them to the most androgynous women possible, I have found the one I want to marry.   UGHHH. So this summer i decided to officially come out ( they already knew)  and have a discussion with them about my sexual preference. Which i feel is kind of not their business because its intimate but it's with a woman. I still want to have a traditional wedding  and want my mom to help me with the planning and be happy for me through it all. Well in this convo I stated that i need to her find peace that i would rather dies single than to marry a man. unless he was paying and i could never have sex with him and i had another woman to be with. ( I did  not say this, but it''s true). SIDE NOTE: there was a man i was dating and he was aiight. he wanted me but i told him only if i had a girlfriend., it worked for a while then her got jealous , sooo its wasn't a good look.

so any whoo Moms and I talked about it and basically the agreement was to still give her time and that I will marry a woman and i want her to be apart of our lives. I also mentioned that i had been dating someone for over a year and its time to bring her int the family.

okay I have never been so nervous, my family has met plenty of my partners but it wasn't all that serious so now the heat is on. The problem is I know I'm breaking my mothers heart and we( the family) have had a lot happen to us so I don't want to bring any ore pain. But seems like there is never the right time but time is wasting.

So in the meantime I went to meet my future mother in law who freaked out and made it impossible for us to greet each other.UGHHHHH. Mother's ARE SOOO DRAMATIC.  2012 was supposed to be the year we introduced our families to each other.  OH one fine point is she and I are long distance so this is even harder.  Yeah  well we have decided, screw our mothers, we are going ahead with the wedding plans. Slowly but surly. I don't want this marriage between our families to be a disaster.

Anywho I need to do something, I feel its better to be upfront and i ca't waste anymore time.